0-6 months

Born December 15 2005

Today is Sunday November 4, 2012 and You are almost 7 years old!  Someone told me about a dad that started a email for both of his kids and periodically would make entries into it so that someday when they were older, they could look at the "notes" from dad.  I LOVED that idea!!  Yes I am alittle behind b/c you are already 6, but better late than never!!!  I started your blog for you today.  I am not sure when I will tell you about it.  This is to you, my beautiful daughter, love mom. (I am 35 today :)

Mom and dad were married for over a year when we started trying to have a baby....Of coarse I wanted it on MY time and MY schedule....The Lord laughed at that and it wasn't happening.  Month after month I would take tests and cry, wondering why it wasn't happening.  I started having testing after one year of trying and dad got tested too, everything looked fine.  God was just teaching us patience and waiting on HIS time and not ours.  Even that taught me a valuable lesson and can look back as God's providence.

Finally I took a test and saw a positive sign!  I was so excited and crying and screaming, I remember running out of the house to dad in the driveway saying it was positive!!!  So much for thinking of a creative way to tell him!  There is NO WAY I could have thought that out and hid it from him for even a second.  I left dad all alone in an OBGYN office with my Dr. b/c I had an emergency to pick up grandpa and grandma from the airport and dad looked at my Dr. and said "If it is God's will, it WILL happen, we are NOT taking medication".  6 months later I was pregnant and by the time we found out, I was already almost 12 weeks along.

My pregnancy with you was AWESOME!!!!  I felt great, looked "ok" :) but by the end I was pretty swollen everywhere!!  I came down with gestational diabetes so you were scheduled to be induced so that you didn't get too big on Dec. 14, Dads birthday!  He picked the date, and wanted to have you on his birthday.  Well, needless to say, that never happened b/c you had your own plan.  You wanted your own birthday so you came 26 hours after inducing and 3 hours of pushing....On December 15.  It was absolutely hands down the hardest thing that I have EVER done up until that time in my life.  I had colon surgery when I was 21 years old and that was Nothing (yes, it was really bad too but nothing could have prepared me for how hard delivery was with you.....)  Dad and I both thought that I was going to die.  I cried and cried, I was so pumped with fluids b/c I had an infection and you did too.  The meconium was in my fluid and when you FINALLY came out, you were blue, and not breathing.....For hours they debated back and forth whether to take me to C-section but that night there had already been 16 of them.....Needless to say, they should have Karlie.  You and I both almost died.

As soon as you came out there was a whole team of specialists awaiting your arrival...You were suctioned, ventilated, resuscitated, and in a very bad condition....You had begun shutting down.  The team formed a wall around you so that I couldn't see you.  Dad didn't even get to cut the cord, they stripped you away from us as fast as they could.  I yelled at dad to go see you, to go watch you b/c I knew that something was terribly wrong.  He didn't want to leave my side.....He kept washing my face with a cloth....We were both bawling and scared. 

They took you away in a ventilator box....I didn't even get to hold you or touch you....It was soooo hard.  I am writing this and bawling my eyes out, I guess I never realized how much I suffered b/c mom always pushes pain and suffering back and never lets it out....I don't allow myself time to grieve.....  Dad and I were placed on an overflow floor b/c there was no room in the inn (....just kidding, I have to put some humor in here) but seriously there was no room on delivery so I was brought to a cancer floor.  They wheeled me to "my" room and all the nurses looked at me with disgust....a post partumn patient.  No supplies in my room, nothing.  I assumed that when I had you I would be breastfeeding you.  Now what?  I don't have my baby.  I asked the nurse and she threw a pump at me.  I had no clue how to use a breast pump!!!  We just wanted to see you!  Finally at 1am one nurse took pity on us and took us to the Intensive baby nursery to see you.  You were loaded with IV's, and beautiful.  We loved you sooooooo much.  I just touched you through the little holes on the side by hand....unable to hold you in my arms.  You were sick with an infection and your kidneys were shutting down.....Dad and I were a total wreck. 

We spent 5 days there, up 5 floors on the opposite end of the hospital of you, NO visitors except immediate family could come.  We had to travel 10 min. at least just to see you.  Down 5 floors across the entire hospital lobby and main floor, up another elevator 3 floors, down another hallway to the end....I could hear you every time.  You were loud!!!! :)  You were the biggest baby in there 8pds 4oz.  Some of the other babies in the boxes never had parents come see them....Some were so tiny.....The nurses loved you b/c you were a "big" baby and they didn't have to be so cautious and gently like a 1 pdr.  I got to breastfeed you there, pump in my room, they would tube it down a system to feed you at night.  You got better and so did I and thank the good Lord we got to leave the hospital together.  Me and Dad, and a carseat with you!!! We had NO CLUE what we were doing or getting into.  We were both scared shit-less.  You cried for hours when you got home and we didn't know what to do with you.  We went flying to the store and bought gas drops, fed you formula, breastfed you....loaded you with anything.  We both laugh about it now but it wasn't funny at the time!!

First time parents.  Oh man, I wish I could do it all over again.  SOOOOOoooo stressed about a schedule and breastfeeding, so many rules b/c I read this stupid book that "guaranteed" a good baby, I think that book produced more post partumn mom depressions than anything else!!  I just wanted to be a good mom.  I wanted the best for you and had no clue how to make that possible.  You had colic the first 3 months but after that you were a very good baby.  We learned, everyone does.  I just wish I could savor every minute and do it again.  I LOVED you soooooo much and you were our pride and Joy.  Your name was given after aunt Angie.  It fits you perfectly b/c you were just that and always have been to us.  A pure JOY.  Born in December I think it fits even more!  You were the center of our universe. 

I failed at many things and I will keep failing as a mom but I am doing the very best I can.  I love you beyond words....Lately you and I just butt heads sooo much, I think its b/c we are so much alike.  I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did!!!  I want to protect you, I want to teach you not to grow up sooo fast.  Not to get into makeup, clothes, boys!!!!  You are soooo beautiful Karlie, honestly, people would stop me ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! When you were a baby and say how beautiful you were b/c your face was like a porcelain doll....flawless, soft, pure white....I stay awake at night often just staring at you wondering if you will ever realize how beautiful you are.....Wondering if you will be like me and totally deny it your whole life!!!  My mom always told me how beautiful I was, but did you think I believed her?  NOPE!!!  I want you to see yourself in Gods eyes...beautiful, perfect, fun, loving, kind, giving......I just wish and will try all I can to prevent you from "conforming to the ways of the world".  I tried doing that too and it fails, it will fail you, you will have conflict and struggle, and nothing or anyone of this world is worth the sacrifice....Nothing nor anyone will bring you true JOY like God and I pray and will continue to pray that you have a relationship with Him.  Right now you are 6 going on 20....dancing, singing, wanting to wear makeup, roll your eyes at me, push me away.... I just don't want you to grow up so fast....Your still that little baby that I want to hold.....I know God has great plans for you and I am going to do my best for Him in raising you.